Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Who Exactly Am I?

Last Sunday, a wonderful lady told me that she saw me and a few other people glow during a business game and structure building exercise. She gave some feedback to me along the lines of me being a pleasant person to be around with, caring and also motivating. Her words were really kind, and I wished her superiors saw the same in me, which unfortunately they did not. This threw me into a bout of confusion and led me to think, who in the world am I exactly? And why the meck-neck-leck am I too bothered with what other people think of me? 

I was in this confused state for a day or more. In fact, I just perused some of the old posts I wrote and I wondered to myself, "Wow, did I really write that?". This is not uncommon. I remember having a conversation with one of my close girlfriends who told me that she was amazed herself once when she re-read the old essays she wrote. By George! We change everyday, don't we? The me yesterday could not be the me today. 

I feel a deep sense of fear that the me at present is a faded version of who I used to be. I only seek to better myself constantly and never look back into my past and say, "Hey, I wished I was that girl again". I want to chase that little bubble of a dream I always had, climb up on it and sail high up into the skies, with the swirls of colours beneath me keeping me happy and chirpy all the time. All I want is to be proud of what I've worked for and achieved, and show mum and dad that they did right by me. 

So, I've come to the conclusion that God wants me to appreciate myself more. He wants me to know who I truly am, and not to depend on the views of other people. He wants me to believe in myself just a tad bit more, and find the inner peace in me that has been so elusive thus far. 

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