I'm sorry to say..

..that I had the misfortune of meeting an interloper and keeping up with that person for a very long time. 

On a brighter note, London town had bright blue skies yesterday in what seemed like an unexpected departure from the dreary rainy sheets. 

:(

Today I feel :( :( :( :( 
So dissapointed with myself

Choices

So I just had a conference call with a team of nice people from a commercial team of an O&G company back home. The prospects are not too bad. They are recruiting fresh graduates to join in at the early planning stages of a huge petrochemicals plant, something very exciting to be a part of. The final investment decision (FID) takes place in 2013, while the construction of the physical plant takes 3 years. Being involved in something like this is quite nice as it promises a steep learning curve, plus the salary is sufficient and the location is central. During the call, I was asked if I'm a social drinker, whether I watch shows on TV and whether I play games. I was told that I'll be doing a lot of minute taking (:S) and that I'll have to stay on late in the evenings. The chat was really informal and I felt at ease.

Many years ago, this would have been the dream job for me. Right now, I don't exactly know but I'll wait to hear back from them before I clear off this cloud of uncertainty shrouding my bobby head.

Chirping!

It's now 5.45 am and I'm still awake because I'm just so enthralled by an introductory lecture I'm reading about energy. Then I hear the raindrops outside with the lovely and mesmerizing sound of birds chirping, which brought me all the way back home, to my village home. 

Birds chirping so early in the morning in London! How unbelievable! I'm truly blessed to be able to hear it. Eastertide joy is here and morning has literally broken :) Thank you God for Your many blessings!

Lent Reflections

This year's Lenten season just swooshed by me in a flash. It is definitely not one of the best seasons I have had. Less prayer, almost zero fasting, too much overindulgence and no charity. I allowed myself to be a slave of my desires, giving in to my insatiable appetites and justifying those moments with the 'stress excuse'. "I'm so stressed this year, I should be allowed this little pleasure!". I can not be asked to just spare a little will power to practice self-denial. 

In the spirit of Lent, I went for Confession yesterday. I spilled out horrible misdeeds of my life since December to the priest, but was shocked that he appeared to not be listening at all. I thought my sins were bad, but he must have listened to much worse sins. Dissapointed at the lack of a gush of relief and reconciliation I usually feel after Confession, there was only my lack of proper Lenten observance to blame. It is my fault for not taking this season as an opportunity for me to inch closer to God, to bury my uncertainties in Him and to let Him take the lead. I've been trying so hard to run everywhere on my two little feet that I've forgotten how He could carry me so easily to the one place where I should be at.

Today, I went to Maundy Thursday Mass. I was overjoyed to have the opportunity of having my foot washed again this year. It is such a great honour, unworthy as I am, to have warm water poured gently over my foot and dried with a towel by the priest. Not only did I feel God's ultimate love for me, it was also such a humbling experience that tears well up in my eyes when I think of it. When Peter declined to having his feet washed, Jesus told him that they can have nothing in common until he allows Jesus to wash his feet. Jesus asked all his disciples to take after his example and strive to serve each other thereafter. I was also happy to keep Jesus company for awhile during the Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament, during which I prayed that He'll help me fast tomorrow and keep me strong. I was reminded of the long evening a few years back during my college days, when J and I kneeled in adoration until our knees hurt. That was one of the best Lents I ever had in my entire life, I felt so strongly about God, I really had Him in my life and He was central to a lot of the things I did. I thank God today for those times, and for the many more times that I'll have Him in my life in the future.

Picture Credit

Who Exactly Am I?

Last Sunday, a wonderful lady told me that she saw me and a few other people glow during a business game and structure building exercise. She gave some feedback to me along the lines of me being a pleasant person to be around with, caring and also motivating. Her words were really kind, and I wished her superiors saw the same in me, which unfortunately they did not. This threw me into a bout of confusion and led me to think, who in the world am I exactly? And why the meck-neck-leck am I too bothered with what other people think of me? 

I was in this confused state for a day or more. In fact, I just perused some of the old posts I wrote and I wondered to myself, "Wow, did I really write that?". This is not uncommon. I remember having a conversation with one of my close girlfriends who told me that she was amazed herself once when she re-read the old essays she wrote. By George! We change everyday, don't we? The me yesterday could not be the me today. 

I feel a deep sense of fear that the me at present is a faded version of who I used to be. I only seek to better myself constantly and never look back into my past and say, "Hey, I wished I was that girl again". I want to chase that little bubble of a dream I always had, climb up on it and sail high up into the skies, with the swirls of colours beneath me keeping me happy and chirpy all the time. All I want is to be proud of what I've worked for and achieved, and show mum and dad that they did right by me. 

So, I've come to the conclusion that God wants me to appreciate myself more. He wants me to know who I truly am, and not to depend on the views of other people. He wants me to believe in myself just a tad bit more, and find the inner peace in me that has been so elusive thus far.