Thursday, April 5, 2012

Lent Reflections

This year's Lenten season just swooshed by me in a flash. It is definitely not one of the best seasons I have had. Less prayer, almost zero fasting, too much overindulgence and no charity. I allowed myself to be a slave of my desires, giving in to my insatiable appetites and justifying those moments with the 'stress excuse'. "I'm so stressed this year, I should be allowed this little pleasure!". I can not be asked to just spare a little will power to practice self-denial. 

In the spirit of Lent, I went for Confession yesterday. I spilled out horrible misdeeds of my life since December to the priest, but was shocked that he appeared to not be listening at all. I thought my sins were bad, but he must have listened to much worse sins. Dissapointed at the lack of a gush of relief and reconciliation I usually feel after Confession, there was only my lack of proper Lenten observance to blame. It is my fault for not taking this season as an opportunity for me to inch closer to God, to bury my uncertainties in Him and to let Him take the lead. I've been trying so hard to run everywhere on my two little feet that I've forgotten how He could carry me so easily to the one place where I should be at.

Today, I went to Maundy Thursday Mass. I was overjoyed to have the opportunity of having my foot washed again this year. It is such a great honour, unworthy as I am, to have warm water poured gently over my foot and dried with a towel by the priest. Not only did I feel God's ultimate love for me, it was also such a humbling experience that tears well up in my eyes when I think of it. When Peter declined to having his feet washed, Jesus told him that they can have nothing in common until he allows Jesus to wash his feet. Jesus asked all his disciples to take after his example and strive to serve each other thereafter. I was also happy to keep Jesus company for awhile during the Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament, during which I prayed that He'll help me fast tomorrow and keep me strong. I was reminded of the long evening a few years back during my college days, when J and I kneeled in adoration until our knees hurt. That was one of the best Lents I ever had in my entire life, I felt so strongly about God, I really had Him in my life and He was central to a lot of the things I did. I thank God today for those times, and for the many more times that I'll have Him in my life in the future.

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