Kick-ass Attitude

Some parts from the book above caught my attention. The author, in description of athletes, depicted them as individuals who have no self doubt nor hesitation, only a one-view confidence of themselves, which is useful in achieving their goals. The book's protagonist also mentioned how he knew about his ability to choose how he felt in response to any situation. He argued how his choice of reaction reflects how he really felt about something.

I contemplated on these ideas and am drawn towards believing how important attitude is in determining someone's quality of life. The famous saying of the fictional character from How I Met Your Mother, Barney Stinson comes to mind: "When I feel sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True Story."

Everytime we fall, or when things don't play out according to our plan, it is very hard not to fret and complain and blame everyone else except ourselves. Slightly more rational people might instead focus on their own flaws. It is normal to sit down and launch our rants for sometime, but it should never be prolonged. However bad we feel, we are always lucky and have blessings to count. Optimism goes a long way and it generates energy in our bodies. Similarly, a smile and the courage to fight keeps our bodies healthy and in check.

I want to put a smile on your faces my dear ones. I want you all to hug me under the sunshine in a tightness that would break away all my insecurities of the past. We live in the hope of a happy tomorrow because we have people in our lives to love, the source of our hopes. The ones that I love have always had that number 1 spot in my little heart and no matter how much they dissapoint me, they'll always deserve to be loved because they loved me first and I am what I am today because they unconditionally loved me in the start. :)

Incoherent as I may seem, my thoughts actually stem from a very simple desire which is to experience calm. Sometimes I wonder whether I am still at the bottom of Maslow's triangle, trying hard to resurface to another level. At least I am kicking hard to do that, and that is cause to smile for. Dead people don't kick :)

Desperation

This weekend, I met someone whose desperation frightened me so much. This person recently broke off communications with a girl he likes and he seems to be using me as a cushion to that heartbreak. Honestly, I do not have the capacity to be his buffer because I have matters of my own that I would like to attend to. He has been offering me all sorts of assistance and has been hogging up a lot of my time. In all fairness, he at least cheered me up during my down moments but I am so afraid of his deep emotional needs. He comes to look for me ever so often, texts me constantly and has asked me to play sports with him in such a compelling way that I feel like slapping him. 

He admitted to me that he is trying so hard to find a girl companion, who will be there just by his side. He speaks about girls 90% of the time and another 10% of the time, he would be telling me technical geeky stuff which I do not understand in the slightest. He tries so hard to get a girlfriend and in the past, has actually just approached random girls, asking for their numbers. He is a lonely person seeking companionship. I am lonely at times, but the loneliness comforts me and helps me reflect on myself. I am not actively seeking for a life partner and appreciate the solace in my life, preferring it rather than crowds and the pressure of building intelligent conversations with other people. 

Today, he freaked me out to the max. I told him I am not keen on jogging or playing badminton with him because I am just not in the mood, and when he pestered me to, I was so angry that I think it showed. Things immediately became awkward after that. Understandably, he is a lonely person and just wants some company, but I am obviously not the person to remedy that. I have my own wounds to heal, my own ideas in life and dreams to chase. I do not have a good opinion on a guy who spends so much time and thought on the sole purpose of finding a girl. Sorry to say this, but there are more important things in life at the moment. There are battles to fight for, people to fight for, people who mean everything to me in this world. A desperate  guy simply has no space in my life. I am fuming with anger right now. Some people need to get their priorities straight.

For too long, I've been fighting my own personal battles. I've been fighting so hard, so vigorously, with so much to shoulder. The people I fight for don't even care enough about me when I need them the most. Today, as I made the 100th trip to my new flat with my things, I realized that I've been working so hard to prove to myself that I am strong. I've shown a fair amount of strength so far, I didn't realize. I have reason to be proud of myself. I'm weary now, but I am glad that I've shown courage. I don't have it lucky as most people around me who were born with silver spoons in their mouths. I hiked, walked and climbed when others could just sail past. But God is always here with me, He holds my hands tight and wipes away my tears. He sends me companions who support me through the thick times. He wipes my tears away. He lets me rest my head on His shoulder. He covers me with a blanket on a cold night. He takes the tears away. 

Twice Means a Sign

My complete lack of useful activity today led me to go blog-traipsing. Hence I found myself reading the entries of two very outstanding young ladies, pretty and intelligent, models to be looked up to. Interestingly, both of their most recent blog entries mentioned the exact same scenario of a student's deterioration of confidence as he or she progresses into a more competitive environment, either in college or university. Needless to say, I and many more other people must have gone through this process. Used to being the sole centerpiece cherry on the cake, a lot of us now perceive ourselves to be just average- one of the many buried raisins in a Christmas fruitcake. Our sweetness is felt in almost every bite and we're definitely not the coveted ingredient sought in the dessert. Our presence is essential, but far from amazing. Once the shining stars of the early communities we come from, we now blend in the crowd, and sometimes go unnoticed. 

Alas, how sad it is for those of us who belong in that group yet fail to realize how very unique each of us still are. Self worth is only what we make it to be. Life is not all about winning all the time, being the most popular or capable person, nor is it about being and staying number one. Life is about being happy. If we cannot be happy for those competitive reasons, let those reasons cease to be the prerequisites of happiness. We can choose to be happy just by doing something we love. Show compassion to other people, contribute to society, act, dance, sing, write and love. Self worth starts with loving one self first, not in a selfish manner, but in a way that acknowledges what God has given to oneself and uses it for a good purpose. 

I went to sleep feeling depressed last night and woke up on the wrong side of bed. The clouds threw a gloom all over London today and the rain came down interminably until a few minutes ago. Beautiful music is playing through my ears. The skies are blue now, aeroplanes can be see outside my window. I am smiling. I know God loves me still. No matter where I am in life, or how noticeable I am in society, He cares not, He judges not. For that, simply for that, I smile. 

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Magic

At 4am, I woke up and saw a couple of my friends back home on MSN. I told them I woke up from a horrible nightmare. One of them asked me whether it was Voldemort I dreamt of. I wish.

In the dream, there was a person on a racer bike, the slender, shiny and aerodynamic kind with a little baby at the back. I was not sure whether I was the rider or not as I viewed most of it from a third person view. The bike was speeding along a very narrow and winding tarred road in the middle of a white dandelion field. By speeding, I mean really really fast. My stomach churned whenever the bike took corners, which never succeeded in slowing it down; as with every corner, the rider increased his/her speed. There were warning signals which came in the form of a very foreboding gut, which I was sure both the rider and I felt but no heed was paid to it. Suddenly, an aeroplane came into the picture. Probably it was there because I recently watched a scene involving the vehicle in IRIS, a very popular Korean drama. Anyways, the rider never did slow down. In the end, the rider took a very dangerous corner along with the plane and my view never caught what happened. The rider zoomed past me so fast and dissapeared into my blind spot, with a strong gush of wind trailing behind. Everything changed to slow motion, the strands of dandelions bending ever so slightly to the left, as though bowing their heads in extreme sadness to the tragedy that has just come to pass. Although I never saw it, everything in the dream signalled the death of the little baby, how his/her head expanded in the crash and exploded. It didn't make sense at all, how that could even be possible but that was what my dream told me. 

Later, in a completely random scene in another dream, a coursemate of mine gave me a kiss on the forehead as a sign of care and comradeship. I didn't know what to make out of it. Dreams are there to confuse us, they can never be taken seriously. 

So after my chat, I went back to sleep. I woke up at 8.33am, did some room exercises and headed off for a jog. I then saw a 20 pounds note on the ground. To my dismay, I was appalled by my first thought. I am meant to meet up with Z and N later and I was already thinking of buying myself a huge fat meal and using the rest of the change from that lucky note to pay for my Harry Potter movie tonight. Another zero pence day to add to my repertoire!! 

How disgusting. Just a few seconds later, I realized how selfish those thoughts were. The note will be going to charity and no where else, just as it rightly should. Although I am selfish, I am grateful that God is still present in my heart, guiding me towards doing what is right and steering me away from temptations. 

Tonight, a whole decade of a magical experience will come to a close on the big screens. I'm catching the latest Harry Potter movie with my lovely coursemates in 3D and am feeling ever so excited! 

A tribute to my teachers

I'm blessed to have met VVNC as a teacher. This person has no obligation or motivation whatsoever to treat me with so much kindness and patience. Suddenly out of the blue, he is entrusted with a protege who takes everything too literally, is slow to understand jokes, asks stupid questions and only sucks more oxygen out of the room. Truth be told, this humble self is not even a protege; because with the level of skills she's got, she's just anyone from the high street. Deep down, I know how blessed I am, how God has brought me under the supervision of one of his angels on Earth. I could detect the genuineness of VVNC's character when:

1. He opened the door for me the first day I came to the office, brought me to  my seat, spammed me with office supplies and showed me the loo. When I was by myself later on in the week, I realized that not everyone would immediately show you the loo! So that was very thoughtful of him. 

2. He walked over the office to find me the correct colour printer when I printed from the wrong one.

3. He asked his colleagues from Amsterdam and Paris to send me notes or information to help me with my research over a conference call. He also ingrained in me a sense of self-worth by noting how important my paper was, when in fact I knew that it probably was just something assigned to me to fill up my time. But just because he took the effort to build my confidence, I had to do my work well. 

4. He sent me an email saying, '95% perfect!' on my silly draft. He also kept eyeing my monitor to make sure I was progressing with work and not slacking away. 

5. He put a smile on my face by saying how he's already loving my work that's not even remotely coherent. 

6. He asked if I wanted a coffee everytime he went out to get one. 

7. He ate all of my Min Chiang kueh when no one else wanted to. 

8. He pushed me slightly to the front so I could be closer to the sales people during their meeting when I was feeling too timid. I later met my colleague from Amsterdam too, who did the same thing to me. They must have noticed how scared I was. 

9. He sent me emails with all sorts of information that could assist me in my learning.

10. He asked someone to email me a spreadsheet with the names of clients all listed down, so I wouldn't have to do it all by myself all over again. 

11. He asked me if I would like to attend one of the conferences between a client and a professor. 

12. He told me about his life and his hopes and dreams, how he loves developing other people. He's a natural teacher, born as one I would say. 

13. He advised me not to be only motivated by money, because I'd never ever be truly happy. 

14. He copied me into an email this morning to tell me he'd have some flooding problems at home and would be late to work. Who else would bother doing that just for a temp? 

He didn't have to do any of these, surely. I don't know why God has been so kind to me. I met an amazing supervisor and VVNC. Both of them have done so much for me in such a little space of time, unconditionally. Their unselfishness leads me to believe that there is still hope in this harsh world. I've met too many people who only does things that would benefit them. Somehow, I find myself very much in that group of people. God is telling me to turn away from all that, to go back to where the human heart can thrive and beat for other people. Both VVNC and boss have done more than is required of them while I'm at their desk, for nothing extra. I'm just truly humbled by all of this.

I remember how last summer, it was weeks before I got internet access, and a work laptop. I was neglected and treated with condescension and at one point, even made into a scapegoat by my supervisor. Contrasting these two experiences, I am grateful that I have a chance to meet kinder people now.  

So true

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So true isn't it? Most of us can be strong and resilient, and suppress whatever negative emotions we hide inside of us- that oftentimes, we even amaze ourselves with our capabilities in putting up a brave frontier to the rest of the world. But the moment THE magical probing question is asked, volumes of saline come pouring out, naturally, unstoppable, from those two miniature windows to our souls.

And for some of us who know this, the question is to ask or not to. When someone is clearly hiding a terrible pain, should we just leave them be and save ourselves the embarrassment of forcing a friend into making a hearty confession when he or she clearly prefers keeping things inside? Would it be too cruel to ask?

Yes, it is cruel. It definitely is, when you're just asking out of pleasure to satisfy your curiosity.

Dear friend, I've been going through what you were going through so I never asked you what was wrong when I heard you cry. I am sorry but I thought it was better that way. I would have wanted the same if I were you, for the time being at least. I knew it would have caused you discomfort to speak about what was bothering you, but when you're ready to share, I'm here, right here, I'm not going anywhere. 

Depth

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At times when I find it hard to concentrate, I wander around the blogosphere, peering at the thoughts and souls of other bloggers. Some of these people are my friends in real life. Smiley faces everyday, 5-min chat partner, Oreo cookie provider in lectures, lab partner etc. Reading their thoughts, I realize just how much more depth there is to them than what I perceive of them from the outside. It is not like I judge anyone- it's just the feeling you get when you're quite conversational with someone else for a long period of time, and never realized just how much more there is to them. So, it's a good thing that I'm reading what they have to say. Every person you meet has a million stories to tell, perhaps an equal number of hidden sorrows as well. Every person you meet is not just what he/she portrays themselves to be like on the outside. It brightens me up to have just learned about this side of my friend which I never knew of before, we share quite a number of things in common.

I think I am attracted to pain and suffering. Since my college days, I seemed to notice a longing inside of me to reach out to someone who is going through a hard time. It could be a bad thing, since I even find myself attracted to guys with a brooding nature. The worn-out hero, the tired sentinel or simply, the humble dejected guitarist. The afflicted soul, if I may say so, spells out a deeper character. But it works like poison against me. For example, I once tolerated and tried to be the most understanding person to someone special, hoping to ease him back into the light, bring joy again into his life. I allowed him to be lukewarm towards me, just because I understood how he's been deeply hurt in the past, how scared he was then. Oddly, thinking back now, it was a bitter-sweet experience for me, hoping and loving at the same time. Everytime I was treated coldly, I took it with a pinch of salt, with the hope that things will improve, that he'll finally see that I was just trying to be his angel. I had wings to fly, and I wanted to fly with him to the end of the tunnel. The dark side of him always made me love him even more. But it also ate me up, thrust me upon the sidelines, left me wondering if I had deserved better. But it was love, no doubt.

Okay, enough of that. I had better get back to my books now. I am feeling slightly uncomfortable right now, having eaten two whole bags of crips today and 6 fruit sorbets yet again. But it's just my form of self-loving. :) Laters!