Oops

Usually I keep things to myself, buried deep down in the recesses of my mind. Ideas, feelings and opinions which could bring harm to other people if voiced out. Most of the time, I rather not discuss these and find it hard to express myself when there is no need to. By nature, I am quiet and reserved. Increasingly so, now more than ever, I've been having difficulties engaging with some people around me. I find their presence suffocating and an uncomfortable sense of all-encompassing negativity hovers above my head, reminding me about all my inadequacies.

I love to smile and laugh and not hurt the feelings of others but nowadays, paranoia has crept up beside me and wrapped me up in it's tangle that I feel as if my very friends are happy to see my misfortunes. Doubt arises whenever they speak to me regarding certain issues and I feel as if my existence brings no use to them. I just watched Eat. Pray. Love yesterday, a movie about the female protagonist who feels as if she has no meaning to her life and who searches ardently for her 'word'. She leaves her unfulfilling marriage, gets infatuated with a younger man, leaves him after their flame dies off and goes to Italy, India and Indonesia. She finally finds love in the third country after eating her heart out and meditating respectively, in the two prior countries. Finally, she finds out that her word is 'crossing over'. She is privileged to be financially able to travel around the world in her journey of self discovery. What about the majority of us who have not that option?

What other means do we have to embark on an adventure of the soul? 

Some of us don't need a change of view to discover ourselves. Some of us already have a yearning in our souls, a wish, a hope. Every individual seeks something different and I am no different. I think I already know what my word is but effecting it is proving difficult. Not living it at the moment makes me slightly frustrated. I need to make more ripples, or maybe just one. The still pond in my heart needs awakening.

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On another note, I did something silly today. I openly (and loudly) announced to my friend that a boy was handsome in a language I thought he wouldn't be able to understand, which I found out on the spot that he did when he asked me if I was speaking that language because it was native to his dad. I was soon a human with a tomato for a head. It must have been one of the most embarrassing moments of my life and I wish to record this down so I'll have an interesting tale to share when people ask me about the silly things I did.

I'm also very prone to giving very honest replies to questions that put me on the spot. Perhaps a little more tact would serve me good.