Annoyed

Selfish people get annoyed more easily because they always think about themselves first, which is why I was so annoyed today. I know it is my fault but still, let me just be really bad this one time and record the details here:

1. A friend could not give me a proper decision as to what our plan was today so I spent a lot of time texting my friends and trying to coordinate our plans together. I also wasted my time waiting for my indecisive friend who finally showed up, still undecided about his plans.

2. I felt as if I was responsible for entertaining another friend (B) who came to join us shortly after while the previous friend (A) just strolled around the shopping mall doing whatever he liked.

3. Friend A didn't mind making Friends C and D wait for us at Gloucester Road station, where they were waiting for almost an hour.

4. We ended up eating burger, which I didn't like at all and it was 'supposed' to be a birthday celebration for me and Friend B.

5. I felt as if I was dragged about all day, towards a goal of celebrating my birthday and B's in the end. The fact is, I didn't enjoy it at all. I spent a day of waiting, dealing with indecisiveness and eating a dinner I disliked.

However, there were highlights from today, especially seeing how happy Friend B was with his shopping and dinner. I'm glad he enjoyed himself! That really salvaged my day.

Anyways, I feel really lost now. I wished I was with family, people who really appreciate me, and not drag me around, hoping that I would plan my own birthday celebration.

Question Marks

are swirling around my head. You came, you talked, you made me smile, you took a burden off my chest. I know now. It's all about understanding you. Understanding what a prick you are, but that you're not a prick entirely. You don't have to know that I am a good person too. You just don't have that much impact in my life and I am not supposed to care so much. The trick is in accepting how things don't have to even out between the both of us. You can live with your ego. I can live with your insults. My tears helped. Your kind half just recently soothed my anger, made me smile again.

I hate you.

But I thank you.

I'm Not Me

Not being able to look at myself in the mirror and proudly proclaim that I like what I see has pierced me. What is the point of trying to be nice to other people when they don't appreciate you, take stabs at the product of your kindness and exult themselves while having total disregard for your feelings? Why can't I stand up for myself, stop others from patronizing me, instead of running away at the slightest jest? At least today I tried to hurl an insult back, but I could not live up to it, because there was a counter-attack. I am sorry. I only insulted you because you insulted me first.

You have done so many things to demean me but why do I still smile and let it pass? It's not because I decide to stomach it because you're my friend. I can't even regard you as a friend, you're too forward and honest and rude and full of yourself. Then I realize I'm so full of myself as well that it hurts so very much. Meeting you has thought me how similar I am to you, not in terms of confidence, but at least in the sense that we both do have good opinions of ourselves.

You have faults, you blind chauvinist pig, don't you see? Your pride hurts other people, your refusal to ask nicely annoys me to the core, your inability to blame yourself for your own darn fault is disgusting, your blunt way of not appreciating the things I do for you makes me feel sick, your insults are too sharp for my ears, your calculating ways surpasses even my own, you're a lot of the things I hate about myself amalgamated with even more self-conceit, sickening confidence and a false sense of glory. I've never admired yet hated a person at the same time as I have you. You make me smile but you also make me cry. I hate you. You're a judge. I'm  just a kind soul, that's all I am. Don't you dare judge me. There is a golden core inside of me that yes, it's personal darn well it is. You don't deserve to know that gold even exists, you'll never get to see it because you're so blinded with your own sense of philanthropy and belief that no one else out there can match up to you. You pig head. I hate you.