To Remember

The following post is something I wish to remember, written to me by a friend:

its been beautiful while it lasted

its been a beautiful summer. im not too sure if you would agree but i think it has been beautiful for me in so many ways. you have articulate some interesting observations and definitely kept more to yourself. through your reclusive yet bubbly personality, through the uninhibited laughter with your friends, through your love of giving your best (but not always ideal) to others, i think you have given me a lot.

just before i start listing the lessons for my own memory's sake, i like to say that if there is anything i know for sure, it has to be my ability to understand the goodness of people. few people irk me very badly and if they actually manage to do so, i don't hesitate in condemning them to the core. while this sounds extreme, everyone dislikes some others to a limited degree and perhaps i just take it very seriously and harshly. not too sure if you share such sentiments but while you were recounting one of your experiences, i did feel that come through your speech. i think that is where our similarities start and also ends. it is ironic how two vastly different chraracters can speak to each other to such a degree though.

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to start this lengthy prose, i'll make a statement: you have great friends, i don't.

that is a statement you deeply abhor and i understand why, i hope to explain it now. where i used to have much doubt for me what to do where a loved one, close friend voiced objection to my actions. i now have no hesistiation in making compromises because i close my heart and minds off to people. 99% of the time im not asking for opinions, im asking for approval and if i am asking for opinions, im demanding agreement or slight tweaks to areas im not confident about. it is fortunate though that over time people make me see the light though and mold me a little more around the edges. what used to be plain hatred and disdain for those whom ive deemed as 'failures' or 'enemies' is a little less after this summer.

however, i think the single biggest discovery that you taught about myself is that i should never have placed a value to friendships. by attaching values, expectations and ideas to each one of them, i fail to see the intrinsic value of a person and instead only realize the extrinsic value of their actions. to this end, i'll make an effort to try to see people differently.

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the second statement i wish to make is: i know that i enable many people to live their goals through me. with my ability and determination i have managed to overcome and prove to more than one person that the upper limit of your achievements is really indeed your dreams.

this is the origins of why i cannot fail. i repeat, its really not arrogance but its because when i fall, the dreams of others fall with me. overtime, i have built up an aura of invincibility, where i fall, i simply pick myself up and go onto something even bigger and then make it work. failure is taboo because expectations only grow and whenever i fall, to let people down is not an option. rather the only method to move forward is to stitch myself up and keep on going. there wasn't going to be a rest just because of a fall, a stumble is simply a call for to work harder.

i fear failure for the fear that with me goes the dreams of others. where my sister used to be my inspiration, today i am her strength and its not just her because four other young people whom i taught before have told me that they aspire to be my heights. my parents, my exteneded family, everyone is watching where i am going. no one was going to ask for my feelings and i acknowledge that they have every right to ignore it because my worth is in my achievements.

to this end, i'll make sure that achievements will always be not an end but a means for me. thanks for letting me know that i was inspirational because each time someone tells me that i find a little more courage to go on. with those words, i carry more weight but also gain more strength and conviction that what i am doing is correct.
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the last statement i will make is: i know that it matters a lot to some girls that when you're in a relationship its forever. to me though there really isn't a forever because i don't even know where i will be in six months.

unlike most singaporeans who blame others for their failures. i blame myself squarely and myself solely for not being able to commit. like you, i've been very badly hurt by the people i have come to love. no disappointment, no failure has ever dogged my life because i was able to work everything through with determination. not for my lovers though, they have hurt me more than anyone has ever had. disappointed me so thoroughly i occasionally feel that they're my enemies. at the end of the day, i am cut-up by them to say the least.

its amazing how i messed up so many relationships even though i can manage every professional connection so well. often i think that everyone suffers because of my commitments, my dreams and all of that stuff about me, me and me. which is why i find that the message you send across very resounding, you tell me that : i don't have enough space in me for another person.

here and now, i have not learnt enough about myself to fully get over the fact that love is something that is rarely recipocated and is indeed more of fate, luck and faith. to love is to not expect and maybe it also means to be hurt sometimes by those whom you trust so much. i dislike all things that have to do with chance but i will embrace the love still and throw a gambit for one more chance with her.

to this end, i pledge to attempt my best to understand grace (not you) even though she has disappointed me so many times and if she really isn't the one, then i want to make sure i don't let the right person in my mind slip me by because there may not be another love of my life out there again. it certainly sounds mushy but if it works out, then it does and if it doesn't, with a big heartache, many tears and a long night, i'll tell myself that it is really time to move on and bring love to other parts of the world because the special one in my eyes is not worth it.

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its been a fruitful summer and the memories will always remain with me. though they may not be mentioned as often as my adventures in ghana. summer has always been a big time for me to grow and become in my own person. thank you for being there and i will always remember the girl who always bore so much on her shoulders she never spoke.