Twice Means a Sign

My complete lack of useful activity today led me to go blog-traipsing. Hence I found myself reading the entries of two very outstanding young ladies, pretty and intelligent, models to be looked up to. Interestingly, both of their most recent blog entries mentioned the exact same scenario of a student's deterioration of confidence as he or she progresses into a more competitive environment, either in college or university. Needless to say, I and many more other people must have gone through this process. Used to being the sole centerpiece cherry on the cake, a lot of us now perceive ourselves to be just average- one of the many buried raisins in a Christmas fruitcake. Our sweetness is felt in almost every bite and we're definitely not the coveted ingredient sought in the dessert. Our presence is essential, but far from amazing. Once the shining stars of the early communities we come from, we now blend in the crowd, and sometimes go unnoticed. 

Alas, how sad it is for those of us who belong in that group yet fail to realize how very unique each of us still are. Self worth is only what we make it to be. Life is not all about winning all the time, being the most popular or capable person, nor is it about being and staying number one. Life is about being happy. If we cannot be happy for those competitive reasons, let those reasons cease to be the prerequisites of happiness. We can choose to be happy just by doing something we love. Show compassion to other people, contribute to society, act, dance, sing, write and love. Self worth starts with loving one self first, not in a selfish manner, but in a way that acknowledges what God has given to oneself and uses it for a good purpose. 

I went to sleep feeling depressed last night and woke up on the wrong side of bed. The clouds threw a gloom all over London today and the rain came down interminably until a few minutes ago. Beautiful music is playing through my ears. The skies are blue now, aeroplanes can be see outside my window. I am smiling. I know God loves me still. No matter where I am in life, or how noticeable I am in society, He cares not, He judges not. For that, simply for that, I smile. 

Picture Credit

Locked Out

Today in my rush out to church for Mass, I left both my mobile phone and house keys at home. How silly of me. So I walked all the way to university to use Facebook to contact my housemates. Thankfully, lovely A was about to come to college as well so we met up and she passed me the keys. I tagged along with her to look for her missing Ipod Touch and off on a hunt for a cobbler afterwards. We didn't manage to find both but A spotted a GBP10 steak lunch offer at a very cute French restaurant on Gloucester Road so we both went in. I was not planning to order anything but in the end, I was just tempted beyond measure. I had a lousy burger yesterday when I really was craving for a good piece of meat so what-the-heck! I ordered a medium rare and boy it was GOOD!! Love A, she's a darling :)

Addendum to Yesterday

Finally, at about 9.30pm, I got to make my way to meet up with D1 and D2 at D1's new place. It was a lovely flat, spacious with lots of storage rooms around the house, and very near my place too!

The two Ds were laughing about some kind of joke they shared with Tuna, which made me very curious so I couldn't help but interrogate them endlessly. Finally, we got into a skype video call with Tuna and Rabbit, and the two Ds brought out a little booklet for me. This little booklet comprised of birthday messages from my family, closest friends from college and varsity pals. Most of the messages in the book came with quirky pictures of my well wishers holding huge cards with my name on it, in all sorts of funny poses. I love it so much. All the jokes were just a smokescreen apparently, to just divert my attention. 

I left about 1.30 am and when I got home, I cried, just as I said I would to Tuna and Rabbit. I was so touched with the effort they put in. The best and most sincere birthday present ever, just made its way to me and I feel so blessed by God for having such wonderful friends. The day was irritable, yes, but only so it could end very very nicely.

Thank you Father! 

Annoyed

Selfish people get annoyed more easily because they always think about themselves first, which is why I was so annoyed today. I know it is my fault but still, let me just be really bad this one time and record the details here:

1. A friend could not give me a proper decision as to what our plan was today so I spent a lot of time texting my friends and trying to coordinate our plans together. I also wasted my time waiting for my indecisive friend who finally showed up, still undecided about his plans.

2. I felt as if I was responsible for entertaining another friend (B) who came to join us shortly after while the previous friend (A) just strolled around the shopping mall doing whatever he liked.

3. Friend A didn't mind making Friends C and D wait for us at Gloucester Road station, where they were waiting for almost an hour.

4. We ended up eating burger, which I didn't like at all and it was 'supposed' to be a birthday celebration for me and Friend B.

5. I felt as if I was dragged about all day, towards a goal of celebrating my birthday and B's in the end. The fact is, I didn't enjoy it at all. I spent a day of waiting, dealing with indecisiveness and eating a dinner I disliked.

However, there were highlights from today, especially seeing how happy Friend B was with his shopping and dinner. I'm glad he enjoyed himself! That really salvaged my day.

Anyways, I feel really lost now. I wished I was with family, people who really appreciate me, and not drag me around, hoping that I would plan my own birthday celebration.

Question Marks

are swirling around my head. You came, you talked, you made me smile, you took a burden off my chest. I know now. It's all about understanding you. Understanding what a prick you are, but that you're not a prick entirely. You don't have to know that I am a good person too. You just don't have that much impact in my life and I am not supposed to care so much. The trick is in accepting how things don't have to even out between the both of us. You can live with your ego. I can live with your insults. My tears helped. Your kind half just recently soothed my anger, made me smile again.

I hate you.

But I thank you.

I'm Not Me

Not being able to look at myself in the mirror and proudly proclaim that I like what I see has pierced me. What is the point of trying to be nice to other people when they don't appreciate you, take stabs at the product of your kindness and exult themselves while having total disregard for your feelings? Why can't I stand up for myself, stop others from patronizing me, instead of running away at the slightest jest? At least today I tried to hurl an insult back, but I could not live up to it, because there was a counter-attack. I am sorry. I only insulted you because you insulted me first.

You have done so many things to demean me but why do I still smile and let it pass? It's not because I decide to stomach it because you're my friend. I can't even regard you as a friend, you're too forward and honest and rude and full of yourself. Then I realize I'm so full of myself as well that it hurts so very much. Meeting you has thought me how similar I am to you, not in terms of confidence, but at least in the sense that we both do have good opinions of ourselves.

You have faults, you blind chauvinist pig, don't you see? Your pride hurts other people, your refusal to ask nicely annoys me to the core, your inability to blame yourself for your own darn fault is disgusting, your blunt way of not appreciating the things I do for you makes me feel sick, your insults are too sharp for my ears, your calculating ways surpasses even my own, you're a lot of the things I hate about myself amalgamated with even more self-conceit, sickening confidence and a false sense of glory. I've never admired yet hated a person at the same time as I have you. You make me smile but you also make me cry. I hate you. You're a judge. I'm  just a kind soul, that's all I am. Don't you dare judge me. There is a golden core inside of me that yes, it's personal darn well it is. You don't deserve to know that gold even exists, you'll never get to see it because you're so blinded with your own sense of philanthropy and belief that no one else out there can match up to you. You pig head. I hate you.

Cherished Moments

1. My boss realizes he has no stirrer or spoon for his coffee and reaches out to use a 30cm ruler from the table as a means to create a better coffee mixture to my utter shock. He goes on to say, "I firmly believe that people, children especially, don't eat enough dirt these days to build their immune system. We can just live on dirt alone did you know?"

I proceeded to mention something I saw from TV from the ex's place whence a woman was featured as surviving on soil alone. To this, my boss animatedly nodded and said with a cheeky smile, " My daughter came home once, with snail shells all around her mouth ( I was gasping loudly then when I realized the direct implication of what he just said!). French people do it all the time, it's just that they cook their snails."

On another day, from the corner of my eye I saw my boss use the same ruler to chop up his Krispy Kreme doughnut. The fact that I've used that very ruler a couple of times to do work gave me a little shudder both for myself and him but that didn't change the fact that I absolutely adore him.

2. I made some brownies to present to my colleagues on my last day. They were a bit too shallow as I used a pan that was too wide. My housemate made very bad remarks about it once they were done and today he even said they sucked badly. He even went on to say that he doesn't want me to bake anymore of them. Those remarks hurt and he added more salt to the pain by saying that his comments were constructive and when I retaliated by saying that I prefer to bake for my friends who appreciate my baking more, he said they only told me what I wanted to hear. Indeed, all those words hurt me but there was a grain of truth in his words. So far, he has criticized everything I made but today it just went overboard.

But where is the golden moment in this? It was yesterday when I told my boss about what my housemate said, to which he responded "He doesn't deserve to eat this. I give you 9/10. The brownie is chewy, the top is crispy, which I like. Just a bit too strong on the chocolate." I felt like hugging him. He scolded me for being too generous when I offered the baked goods to other people on the floor and tried to hide them away as another guy walked past our desk. He's adorable, and he appreciates what others do for him. He eats anything at all, as long as he sees your effort in it. Even if he was not entirely honest with me, he took care to appreciate me.

My housemate sort of made me feel obliged this morning to bake him something without even a word of please. I was enraged. Last night I already felt really bad from a comment WS made and my housemate just plucked the last straw out of me. I would have baked him something but ended up going for gelato with my senior instead. Sometimes, people just need more respect paid to them.

3. WS told me that whoever has me is a lucky guy. He hugged me and said that I should remember that I am a good girl. I almost cried.

4. VVNC embraced me and placed his cheek on mine on both sides to which I yelled jokingly, "Shave!! Shave!!". Boss hugged me and said, "You've been a pleasure to work with. You take instructions well and are keen to learn". I couldn't stop beaming, especially after he asked me to come visit next week.

5. I sang in a huge karaoke room, played drinking games, went to a club, drank champagne and got some spilled over me, tried to move (minimally) on the dance floor and got home at 3am, all in the same night, all firsts for me. I had a great time and to imagine what mom would say makes me laugh! I did not get drunk by the way but I've learnt that no matter how hard others persuade me, I should always say no if I'm not comfortable with something.