Bursting

Now now, that is the most literal word I could use now to describe how my stomach feels like doing. I've been loading myself with cakes and chocolates for the past few days due to utter revision stress! I had to make my stomach warm and fuzzy! I deserve to binge once in a while!

Someone has been very selfish towards me lately. Asking me to go out with him and to give him a chance to know myself more. I kept wondering to myself, what right does he have to ask me that? He must have heard from someone that I am single now. But that doesn't mean he can just butt in, ask me out for dinner, and text me every single day. I am busy and I've made it clear, very clear in fact, that I DO NOT want to be in a relationship. He says he finds me attractive. So? Just because you're in a comfortable position now, it doesn't mean you can laden me with these questions. I am not entitled to allow you to know me better because I have already chosen to be by myself.

All the attention I've received has not made me a conceited person. I've received far too much lately that it's killing me, choking me, leading me towards withdrawal. Please give me some space to breathe for goodness sakes.

Rage

It is interesting how certain, vivid, vengeful thoughts can creep up in our minds all of a sudden, often triggered by stress, which make us feel unreasonably enraged. In one of my Catechism classes when I was younger, my teacher, Mrs. Lucy, mentioned to us that whenever she feels angry, she'll remind herself that the devil is near or even just beside her, whispering insidious reminders/reasons to be mad. I am so happy I remembered what she taught us because I had a moment of rage just now.

But was my rage unreasonable? That is the funny part. The devil justified my anger, and gave me so many 'strong' reasons to feel jealous and 'wronged'. Yes, Mr.lucifer, it's true as you said that one of my friends has no original initiative of her own to do certain things. Yes, it's true that she tends to take after me. Yes, although my efforts were gallant and unrewarded and her's were also gallant but rewarded, so what? Yes, it's also true that she has closely done a LOT of things I've done first (no originality again..yawn).

Let me tell you this, I exert a good influence on the people around me. Although I've failed in some respects and the friend succeeded, CHOOSING to be happy because the friend has succeeded is a state of mental maturity I can be proud of on a personal level. This certain person who follows whatever I do too closely might be someone with no inspiration and it's not wrong for her to want to build something for herself, just as I wanted. There is no reason for me to be angry for being 'copied' :) I shall take pride in being a worthy peer! I already have so many blessings from God. He loves me so much, and this little pet peeve pales in comparison to every other thing I can cherish! There you go, mr. devil, in your face ha!

Despite being mature and graceful as much as I can, I actually hope this certain person will not tag too closely to me in the future as I too am human and need my space. This has been bugging me for some time and I am really surprised at how patient I can be! There is strong spirit of individualism bursting out from me and I would love to let it live. I want to take charge of the definition of me! Hussah!

Building a Fence Around Myself

A coincidence occurred today. In the evening, someone called me to go out to have some ice-cream together. I was tempted at first, and slightly pressured to go but I reminded myself that I have my priorities, I have to guard myself and at the same time, guard that person from me. I find it extremely hard to reject the requests of other people, but lately, I am more resolved to form a backbone of my own. Later at night, another person texted me to meet up this weekend. I almost relented but I reminded myself again of who I am, what I strive to be. I want my independence back. I want my time alone again.

At the same time, I'm afraid if I'm shunning away from people who could really be nice to me. However, there are more important things for me to do now. I need to define myself with my own terms. I can laugh and smile to the world, but at the end of the day, I have no one true person to share the core of my soul with. I want to look for the right person, when the time comes. I can't spare time for people who don't even know what they want for their future. Yes, I am building a fence around myself but that can't necessarily be a bad thing :)

On a totally random note, something funny happened today that brought a big smile to my face. I wanted to buy this Galaxy Caramel Chocolate Egg and it was the last one on display. I brought it to the counter but it wouldn't scan and the lady cashier kept urging me to get another type (I didn't want the Creme Eggs though). I amiably complained to her that that was the only egg I wanted and yayyyyy in the end! She said, "Oh bother, I'll sell this to you for 0.20p. It's got to be eaten anyway by someone and it might as well be you. You're skinny enough as you are already. Here you go darling!" I was so happy I kept smiling to myself. The egg was good and I plan to get a Lindor one soon! I almost hugged the lady cashier! She was so sweet.

Now, I miss mom :(

But I'm still happy!

Happy!

Reasons to be happy today:

1. Waking up on time to sign up for an elective next year

2. Satisfying my crave for pir-piri flavoured crisps that didn't turn out that good :S

3. The weather is unbelievably good

4. A friend did well on a test this morning

Dear God, I count my blessings today in your name. There are so much more reasons to be happy and although there are reasons to be sad too, I offer them all up to you and put my best foot forward! :D

The Joys of Easter 2011

I am really pleased with my little achievements this Easter. I abstained from meat for 51 days and avoided from purchasing chocolates for myself the entire period! It seems a bit strange now that I can enjoy meat again but it definitely is enjoyable. I'm allowing myself to drool at pictures of meat dishes once more :)

Today, our priest mentioned about some young Catholics making testimonials about God's risen presence in their lives. I reflected on this and realized that I felt it after confession. God has forgiven my sins! No matter how huge, or how shameful, He has forgiven them all. Such is the joy of Easter, the realization of how Jesus died in order for our sins to be forgiven. Whenever I feel sad for my sins of the past, I have to remind myself that the only person left who has not forgiven me is myself. That is something I have to overcome.

Thank you Jesus for dying for me and for loving each and every one of us so much!

Never Hurt Something Good

"When he gave us our air-rifles Atticus wouldn't teach us to shoot. Uncle Jack instructed us in the rudiments thereof; he said Atticus wasn't interested in guns. Atticus said to Jem, "I'd rather you shot at tin cans in the back yard, but I know you'll go after birds. Shoot all the bluejays you want, if you can hit 'em, but remember it's a sin to kill a mockingbird." That was the only time I ever hear Atticus say it was a sin to do something, and I asked Miss Maudie about it. "You're father's right," she said. "Mockingbirds don't do one thing but make music for us to enjoy. They don't eat up people's gardens, don't nest in corncribs, they don't do one thing but sing their hearts out for us. That's why it's a sin to kill a mocking bird."

(An excerpt from Harper Lee's "To Kill a Mockingbird")

This is one of the most beautiful things I ever read.

Learning to Enjoy Meat Again

Yesterday marked the 49th day of me being free from meat, save fish. Lent is over but I have not had the chance to touch meat yet. I am surprised at myself! On Easter Sunday, the supermarket was closed; so even if I was in a rush to satisfy my carnivorous side, the dinner table would still have been meat-less.

The next two days, I did not look for meat on purpose either. Perhaps I should just last one more day, just to mark 50 days off from my life for being meat free!